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Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751–1816). The School for Scandal.
The Harvard Classics. 1909–14.

By Mr. Colman; Spoken by Lady Teazle


I, WHO was late so volatile and gay,

Like a trade-wind must now blow all one way,

Bend all my cares, my studies, and my vows,

To one dull rusty weathercock—my spouse!

So wills our virtuous bard—the motley Bayes

Of crying epilogues and laughing plays!

Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives,

Learn from our play to regulate your lives:

Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her—

London will prove the very source of honour.

Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves,

When principles relax, to brace the nerves:

Such is my case; and yet I must deplore

That the gay dream of dissipation ’s o’er.

And say, ye fair! was ever lively wife,

Born with a genius for the highest life,

Like me untimely blasted in her bloom,

Like me condemn’d to such a dismal doom?

Save money—when I just knew how to waste it!

Leave London—just as I began to taste it!

Must I then watch the early crowing cock,

The melancholy ticking of a clock;

In a lone rustic hall for ever pounded,

With dogs, cats, rats, and squalling brats surrounded?

With humble curate can I now retire.

(While good Sir Peter boozes with the squire)

And at backgammon mortify my soul,

That pants for loo, or flutters at a vole?

Seven’s the main! Dear sound that must expire,

Lost at hot cockles round a Christmas fire;

The transient hour of fashion too soon spent,

Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell content!

Farewell the plumèd head, the cushioned tête,

That takes the cushion from its proper seat!

That spirit—stirring drum!—card drums I mean,

Spadille—odd trick—pam-basto—king and queen!

And you, ye knockers, that, with brazen throat,

The welcome visitors’ approach denote;

Farewell all quality of high renown,

Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious town!

Farewell! your revels I partake no more,

And Lady Teazle’s occupation ’s o’er!

All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said ’twas clear,

I ought to play deep tragedy next year.

Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play,

And in these solemn periods stalked away:—

“Blessed were the fair like you; her faults who stopped

And closed her follies when the curtain dropped!

No more in vice or error to engage,

Or play the fool at large on life’s great stage.”