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The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.

College Humor

A Silent Partner

Anonymous, in “The Punch-Bowl,” University of Pennsylvania

“ISN’T it weird? Don’t you think West Point cadets are just too splendid for words? And is this the new field? Oh, isn’t it ravishing? And they are the dormitories at this end. I think it is so nice that the men can just sit at their windows and see all the— Were you saying something? Oh, it isn’t the dormitories. How disappointing! Now, don’t laugh. Everybody laughs at me. I make the most inane mistakes. Do you know, when I was at Florence’s luncheon yesterday—Are these our seats? Is that Captain Farnsworth? Isn’t he just a dream? He must look so nice in his uniform— Were you saying something? Not Captain Farnsworth? Scotty? How stupid of me! He’s on the Navy team, of course. They’re going to begin. I’m so excited! I wonder if that is Constance Fethrill, with the red hat? Who do you suppose will win? I do adore red hats—though hers doesn’t become her one bit. Oh, yes, indeed, it was a perfectly splendid tackle. I’m so glad I came! There’s Agnes Berry in the next section. Don’t you think she’s pretty? Why don’t they start playing again? I’m so excited I can’t wait. Some one hurt? Why, they’re carrying him off. Poor fellow! What a perfectly filthy pair of gloves I have. But I am so dead broke I really can’t afford another pair. I have such a time getting fitted. What? Oh, no, my hands are very large. Don’t you think they are large? Oh, you nice boy! My hands are a perfect joke in our family. Goodness! what are they doing now? A touch-down! How exciting! And now they’re going to kick a goal from the field. Do you ever go to the dances at Belheim? Don’t you just love them? Why, the half is over. How disappointing! But now we can talk. I’ve been so interested I haven’t said a word. What do you think of the Navy team? I’m just so keen about them. Of course they’re not nearly so fine as Pennsylvania. Hadn’t Pennsylvania a perfectly glorious team? I was so afraid they wouldn’t beat Haverford. Charlie Tuppover goes to Haverford, and is always talking about how fine it is. I just hate it. Really I do.” (Exclamation points, italics, question-marks, etc., continue until 5.20 P.M.) “Oh, it’s been just heavenly! I can never, never, thank you for taking me. Be sure and come to see me soon. I do enjoy football games.”