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The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.

Pierre Jean de Béranger (1780–1857)

The Dead Alive

WHEN a bore gets hold of me,

Dull and overbearing,

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as herring.

When the thrusts of pleasure glib

In my sides are sticking,

Poking fun at every rib,

I’m alive and kicking.

When a snob his £ s. d.

Jingles in his breeches,

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as ditches.

When a birthday’s champagne-corks

Round my ears are clicking,

Marking time with well-oil’d works,

I’m alive and kicking.

Kings and their supremacy

Occupy the table,

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as Abel.

Talk about the age of wine

(Bought by cash or ticking),

So you bring a sample fine,

I’m alive and kicking.

When a trip to Muscovy

Tempts a conquest glutton,

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as mutton.

Match me with a tippling foe,

See who first wants picking

From the dead man’s field below,

I’m alive and kicking.

When great scribes to poetry

March, by notions big led,

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as pig-lead.

When you start a careless song,

Not at grammar sticking,

Good to push the wine along,

I’m alive and kicking.

When a bigot, half-hours three,

Spouts in canting gloom’s tones,

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as tombstones.

When in cloisters underground,

Built of stone or bricking,

Orders of the screw you found,

I’m alive and kicking.

Bourbons back in France we see

(Sure we don’t much need ’em),

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as freedom.

Bess returns, and still our throats

Find us here a-slicking,

Sitting free without our coats—

I’m alive and kicking.

Forced to leave this company,

Bottle-wine and horn-ale,

Be so kind as pray for me,

I’m as dead as door-nail.

Pledging, though, a quick return,

Soon my anchor sticking

On the shore for which I yearn—

I’m alive and kicking.