The World’s Wit and Humor: An Encyclopedia in 15 Volumes. 1906.
Heinrich Heine (1797–1856)The Disrespectful Guillotine
T
From my dream, yet vainly sought I
To keep awake, so I slumbered again,
And of Barbarossa thought I.
And talked of great and small things;
He asked me this, and he asked me that,
And wished to know about all things.
From the world above had descended
For many a year—in fact, not since
The Seven Years’ War had ended.
For Mendelssohn (Moses the glorious),
For Louis the Fifteenth’s mistress frail,
The Countess du Barry notorious.
Old Moses is dead and forgotten,
With his Rebecca; and Abraham, too,
The son, is dead and rotten.
To Felix, who proved very steady;
His fame through Christendom far has spread,
He’s an orchestra leader already.
And Klenke, her daughter, is dead too;
Helmine Chezy, the granddaughter, though,
Still lives—at least she is said to.
For Louis the Fifteenth screened her
As long as he lived, but when she was old
They cruelly guillotined her.
By the doctors attended and seen to;
But Louis the Sixteenth was guillotined,
And Antoinette, the queen, too.
And died like a monarch, proudly;
But Madame du Barry, when guillotined,
Kept weeping and screaming loudly.”
And stared, as if doubting my meaning,
And said, “For the sake of Heaven, explain
What is meant by that word guillotining?”
“Is a method newly constructed,
By means of which people of every rank
From life to death are conducted.
I continued, while closely he listened—
“Invented by Monsieur Guillotin,
And ‘guillotine’ after him christened.
’Tis lowered; then quickly they shove you
Between two posts; meanwhile there hangs
A triangular ax just above you.
The ax, quite lively and merry;
And so your head falls into a bag,
And nothing remains but to bury.”
“Be silent! May Heaven confuse it,
That foul machine! And God forbid
That I should ever use it!
Both fastened! What a position!
’Tis contrary to all respect,
And etiquette in addition!”